Here I am, ten days post-operative from the planned hysterectomy. I made it. We made it. If my silence is any indication, it means I decided not to talk about it for awhile. I did, at least partially. But the rest of the way? Frankly, life on Lupr*n was not fun, very taxing to keep body, soul, spirit and family together. I really won’t go into it because it involves a whole lot of whining about not sleeping and hot flashes and well, I did what I had to do. I feel quite confident on one hand now, because I pushed through. I didn’t give up. I trusted that in the end, God would sustain my strength in ways that I knew I couldn’t. And he did. But it was not fun.

On top of that our family suffered a great loss as Hubby’s Dad passed away on All Hallow’s Eve. And as you can imagine, losing a Dad isn’t easy. He suffered alot in his last months but any time there is this kind of loss it is hard. And what a challenge it was to walk with a three year old and five year old in the loss of someone that they had just started to get to know, just started to have memories of. It’s heartbreaking to hear my little one say stuff like “I’m sorry I’m not crying. I didn’t know him very well”. And then she’d cry because she didn’t know him very well. That’s what I cried for too… and for Hubby’s loss. He was a dear Dad to him. And no one wants to lose their Dad.

Immediately following the funeral, we went full swing into a full kitchen renovation. Yes, we’re nuts. In many ways, it was a great distraction from all that I was facing health-wise and emotionally. In other ways, it was so exhausting. But the results? Amazing. By the eve before Christmas Eve Day, I had a wonderfully functional and beautiful kitchen. And we had a lovely holiday together.

My parents came to celebrate the New Year with us, and to stay through my surgery and recovery. They are such a blessing to me. We had some great fun before my surgery date… we saw Emme’s Middle Sister and her (adoptive) Mom for an overnight visit at a neat hotel with and even cooler water park. That made FIVE visits with them in 2009. Dreams do come true, even if it is in a roundabout way. And since then, we’ve received pictures (finally!) of Emme’s niece, daughter of Big Sister.  And we have an email address so hopefully this might be some increased contact with all of them. Look at me, hoping. I’m a pretty hopeless hoper, huh?

And then finally it came. I won’t go into the details of the surgery because you don’t want to know. But you can know that the surgery went much better than the doc expected. And I was out of the hospital and recovering at home at three days rather than five to seven days. God took care of me. I truly believe it.

And even with the blessing of a better than expected result physically so far, I know my heart is working through the grief of this kind of closure. I’ve said it before, but I’ve been quite shocked by the level of unexpected feelings I’ve had while facing the closure of this journey to our family. I really don’t want to be overdramatic about it, but it’s an amazing thing to have my body express the things I know my mind would rather just forget.

I might be here more to process some of that. I don’t know right now where this blog is going. But all I know right now, is I am alive and well and grateful that the surgery went better than expected and trusting time and experience will bring the peace of which I dream.

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One thought on “When It Was Over and I Could Talk About It.

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