“This child should be here but her path went another way, to heaven instead of to earth.”

I’m sitting here in the cold, hugging my babies to keep us warm. Our heater went out. Not a good thing in the winter in Canada. It is VERY cold! But hugging my babies, well, that’s the perk. I’m trying to soak it all in with them right now. A good friend, who has suffered a big loss this year, reminded me earlier to do that, to not let the regret get in the way of thankfulness. I’m trying to live that way. So I’m hugging the blessings that I have tightly, and taking them all in. I am blessed.

And remembering too. It’s been five years since my first little miracle was born to heaven. I remember this time like it happened yesterday. Today I am fine. THis weekend, my sadness overwhelmed me and truth be told, I really, really wasn’t dwelling on it. Really. But it creeped up on me anyway, this longing for this child.

And I suppose in some ways, hopefully, I’ve turned a corner on coming to terms with my loss of Jamie and even more, with my fertility, or lack thereof. As Hubby and I were talking about it all the other night, Saturday to be exact, remembering the wedding we attended that Saturday night five years ago, believing we were blissfully pregnant and celebrating for so many reasons that night. We remembered the joy we felt in having our baby with us. At that point, we were so naive. We were pregnant. Why wouldn’t we have a baby in July???

But as we talked about it we realized that our struggle to come to peace about our family being complete at two children may have less to do with adding another child to our family (which we both would love to do if it weren’t for how hard this journey has been… neither adoption nor actively trying to get pregnant are appealing at this point) than missing the one that should be, our Christmas Love.

This child should be here but her path went another way, to heaven instead of to earth. I can embrace that as the beginning point of our amazing journey to Bug and Si and be done with it. And that’s what I want to do. To not fuss or fret but to be content, knowing Jamie brought us here and we should live blessed and happy knowing that. That is my hope, my intention.

So I remember you my precious first child, my Christmas Love, my Jamie-Noel. Thank you for being in our lives. You will always be a part of our family, always remembered, always loved. And Momma will do her part to honor your short time with us by embracing the two Miracles, two Loves that are in our life now.

Be Sweet, my Child, and give hugs to Kaylie and Jacob and William and all the other Loves who aren’t able to be here on earth… we love you and miss you…

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